every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
