It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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