the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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