I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize