we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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