Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Randomize