You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
