There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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