last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
