APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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