Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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