Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
