I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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