her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
