that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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