Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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