No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
