I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
soo... how was my night?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
