walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
