oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
