textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
