the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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