We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
