If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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