Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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