I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
