I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
