That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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