There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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