I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
