He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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