i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
