so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize