piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
