dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
