So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
