i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My dick has a subreddit
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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