Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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