apparently the secret to your success is patron
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
