how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
