Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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