Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
