didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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