I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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