do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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