we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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