I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
