I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize