dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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