i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
