I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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