There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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