we have pet lesbian snakes
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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