So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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