It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
