So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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