So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
