Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Is Oprah even human
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My vagina is very pro this idea
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
