The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
