I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Randomize
