life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
