the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
