he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
