Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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