and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
