Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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