New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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