She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
