i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
