Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
