I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
