i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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